Controlling life.

Ah, not feeling well so will not do a blog.

Some ideas on transits etc. BUT, really everything needs to be personal. Because even if Uranus is going to improve the jobmarket from March when it enters Taurus unless I am in a good place that is not going to help me.

BM’s need to be controlled as well.


That was just yummy.

Struggling with weird feelings i.e. bloodsugars. A little high two nights in a row and I’m definitely feeling like I entered the twilight zone a long time ago, and in twilight zone style. Leaving is an endless maze that I haven’t found a way out of.

Something uncomfortable has been happening. First my bloodsugar machine ran out of batteries and I found that I could not find my two spares. (I have now searched my whole room). Then I changed the batteries and promptly lost the bloodsugar machine. Then I found one spare and the bloodsugar pricker stopped working, and it’s replacement, then the freshly replaced batteries ran out.

So, I am in the process of getting a new bloodsugar machine while borrowing one for a short while. The battery is far better than the ones on the previous ones. It is 3V not one of these strange ‘discs’.

If the process was due to positives then things that have come from that temporary lack of bloodsugar machine etc. may have been positive too.

I’m not sure if this was positive or negative but, it has had the effect of making me go to a new bloodsugar machine that does not have these problems. Especially with the finger pricker where the last company tried to put in complex mechanical problems in order to get people to change the lancets (thus increase money for the blood sugar machine company!) The new machine has other good features as well. It has labels on the tests (i.e. before exercise, after meals etc.) and it automatically sends results to a mobile phone.

Perverse sexual thoughts have been on my mind a little and which I actually attribute to this. When I do music, or distraction from these thoughts in general (but mostly when I do music), they are nowhere to be seen and when my bloodsugars are bad I am generally too miserable to do music. So I have been watching a whole hell of a lot of the Netflix show ‘Grimm’. When have sorted out new BM machine should be good.

Sometimes I go on the porn sites, not because I actually intend to watch porn (because I would ‘release’ fairly quickly if I did), but so I can just hover my mouse over the video and see an overview. HOWEVER, recently when I went to a local shop, the shop assistant was young, blond and big breasted and, just somehow, the interfering thoughts I was getting on that… She knew, (women have a ‘psychic through emotion’ thing about them sometimes) and the normal positive relation I would have in that fifteen second encounter was not there.

One of the things I have wondered about though is those films with strippers and loads of partying and debauched girls that I feel would give me an insight into female psychology, which is a big thing I have looked for in porn (I have often gone on the interviews girls have before the scene). Since, you don’t get a party of men doing that kind of thing it is just not the same. However, I probably will not go on it all the same.

Life and its predictions.

Wow, tiredness, now I’m moving up my work and my bloodsugars went up a little the other day, I have experienced a lot of it.

No sympathy for it either, that is the way of life recently. Also, any release of ‘lower chakra energy’ (masturbation) and I experience a lot of tiredness as well. In sex that people always relate that to there is an energy exchange, so you experience a return of energy.

Gone on a small bit of politics again. Not much, I didn’t check zerohedge or anything with our recent market crash, however, I did view Black Pigeon Speaks latest bitchute video. If true, if the FANGS really are under pressure, then it could change everything. But how often does anything actually change anything?

Outside that pessimism some major transits are coming up. Although many of them are focused on the actual day of the mid term elections. Jupiter changing signs though should be mega. Specifically in that Jupiter going into Sagittarius. Sagittarians all over the world, (I used to work with almost half the staff being Sagittarius) might be experiencing the effect of their actions when Jupiter has been in Scorpio. Jupiter in Sagittarius I imagine will have the effect of sitting in an empty room on their own with the effect of their choices keeping them company.

Between Q, David Wilcock and a whole list of other types of people. None of their predictions have come true and that is just depressing!

No time in dark times.

No blog today. Bloodsugars have gone all over the place at night and I’ve been thinking all sorts of crazy things.

Thus I’m dragging behind time wise in getting to work.

What is likely going to be needed is quite a level of pain resistance to sort out my problem. I.e. when my bloodsugars go low I have to discipline myself to carry on feeling the pain but not do anything about it. Because if I eat too much sugar it then raises later on. These will be opportunities to grow closer to the Creator.

Anyway, this is a process. This is why I am currently on part time hours and not attempting to move forward in any way. No volunteering or change in jobs, or even any massive move forward socially.

Quick reflection.

Just wanting to reflect on the great lyrics of this piece:

Youtube: Alphaville – Forever Young ~Official Video [Link]

Some are like water some are like the heat, some are the melody and some are the beat. Sooner or later they all will be gone, why don’t they stay young. It’s so hard to get old without a cause, I don’t want to perish like a fading horse. Youths like diamonds in the sun, and diamonds are forever.

Personally life has calmed down a bit for me and a lot of what was interesting in life is suddenly not so. When I go on twitter or youtube I am reminded that there are a lot of people that believe in this “mass arrest” idea, and it brings back a fond feeling. But it is growing progressively more abstract.


Just the world as it is.

The last post I forgot an important detail. When I talk about the area usually I mention the reasons it will never happen again. Like a teaching.

Although it seems at the moment, it is not my most important behaviour. Previously when I have been trying to correct behaviours the most important behaviour is prioritised and sometimes I temporarily indulge in the other bad behaviours as strength against the important one. However, that still means even if diabetes is more important, I will be stopping masturbation. (South node energy etc.)

For me not much is going on personally. I have been only partially successful in controlling my bloodsugars. I have had almost zero above 15 BM’s for the past few days but have not had many below 10’s! So there is mega room for improvement and I will be writing potential advice for myself.

One thing I did discover earlier is that I did talk a little on Trump, just his chart etc. and I did not get a good feeling from that. So perhaps staying away from that kind of politics is a very serious priority!

There doesn’t seem to be a problem with Brexit/ Telegraph like stuff. Probably because that is directly relevant to my life. Deal in two weeks? Probably Chequers because May is tapping on Lab MP’s to get it through? All sounding fairly exciting!

Been watching a crappy Netflix series… Grimm! Although about halfway through the first series production did suddenly improve for a reason I can’t identify and tension was massively increased!

It feels unusual going to work after having had a week off, the whole thing is strange when you really think of it. We have a high turrnover of staff and I miss some of our previous staff. Everything is riding on the massive self healing journey I am doing with diabetes and perhaps therapy for emotional situations as well!

Greater plan.

I have a strong desire to disappear from the world currently. I have tried interacting with people but they are busy and most of what I am doing with my life consists of waiting for something to change (i.e. putting in behaviours but still, if you are studying for instance or practicing that is waiting for a later change). Mostly in fact dealing with a persistent problem that involves a lot of attention and almost no interaction with the rest of the world… My diabetes.

Which seems to require stiffer and stiffer disciplinary measures.

I’ve said before my goal is to personally never masturbate, this being in relation to the chakras especially the root chakra. The south node drawing in new experience for us! With my bloodsugars going all over the place the high BM’s that knock off the sex drive tend to lead me to look at porn a little to stimulate something I know is missing and then when they thump down I release. Which I did today. It is annoying it can happen with no physical stimulation. Clearly sorting out bloodsugars is the priority.

Anyway, bad day. I hope there is a greater plan to this blog which I of course need to sort the diabetes out for anyway.

Life and nothing.

No readers for a while. No matter.

I have had some very dark thoughts recently. Just in the past few minutes actually about how certain people might interact with a situation and where I will find myself after that point.

But, as a very low person putting themselves back together after a couple of months of bad diabetic control, I can only form a narrative that is just as broken.

Recently, been talking about what seems like a pretty much unsolvable problem in my personal life on a forum. I have had responses from people that aren’t really liking the output. I have controlled my bloodsugars. Studied maths. Enjoyed and played music, actually making a few songs and been following up on volunteering. I am getting back to exercise.

And… nothing is happening in politics as usual!

The spiritual nice guy.

Wow, I don’t know how things are going to turn out BUT, it’s starting to get intense and it may come to a moment where I, feel I am forced, to project a less than warm image. Something could always come along to change that, but so far when these mash ups have been likely to occur they have done so on schedule.

So many girls have repeatedly shown interest in me then gone and slept with someone while we were still in the ‘dating’ stage. More than once it seems with revenge motivations. I’m just getting tired of it. But, it could be that it is going to happen, I dread it happening, and then it happens anyway, my interaction with girls does not happen in another way; or just, as has been the case for more than a decade, a general deliberately nasty vibe towards me from them. (Obviously with some valued exceptions).

So, turning my attention to music. my saviour. On this theme there is this song by the Eagles:

Youtube: “Wasted Time” by The Eagles (lyrics included) [Link]

Strange thing with the keyboard. It is an instrument I did not feel at all well doing. I felt separated from myself. But I love it as well. I theorise this is because there are no real strings. I do love the guitar and it connects me more than other instruments because I can feel the resonance inside myself.

Back to my personal situation though… I can always fight. Not of course with fists or weapons of any kind but there is another way to fight. That route could eventually lead me away from the people that I am surrounded with, and you know what? I probably deserve to have to fight, and it will deliver good results hopefully.  But it’s not something that feels good.

Despite this situation with women clearly behaving in a very provable way. It is obviously likely that my behaviour is relevant although, I would note, when I have been put through the ringer by them and I have risen to the task, thus, “learning the lesson” the behaviour has not abated. So EVEN IF it is my own behaviour that is part of the problem, their behaviour will still be karmically met sometime soon if I am lucky.

This then is where I go to politics and… because when I give in from being able to solve the situation myself I suppose that’s where I go. I have told myself I will not go on politics at all this holiday, and it is the Conservative Party Conference. The big anti May mash up! It could deliver palpable change but I will not be looking at it. It will really be a test to see whether I can stay away from politics.

In it’s place I will be practicing guitar!